This is a story about something of a beautiful experience that took place a few days back.
Without getting into too many details, the context is that there was a goof up in communication which happened at work. Part of the reason for the goof up was me and another part was a third party.
Much before both of us realized it and immediately took responsibility for it with the obligatory apologies, the so called consequences were already in effect.
Suddenly, the quiet of the evening was replaced by a sense of chaos.
Now, picture this – the cell phone rings and I hear an annoyed voice full of aggression, speaking right from the gut, at the top of his voice and right into my ear, about how ‘stupid and irresponsible’ this third party person was. How this person should be ‘thrashed’. How could I have made such a ‘mistake’? Am I not supposed to be very vigilant?
Just as I was about to get defensive and my ego was working on how to shift the blame, a teeny tiny voice sneaked in and sharply whispered – “Buddy, there is no sin and God’s son is guiltless. Remember?”
“What if there are no mistakes? Then there would be no sin that had any effect, right?”
Suddenly the chaos got replaced by a sense of quiet.
I reminded myself of a workbook lesson in A Course In Miracles (ACIM) which says “if I defend myself, I will be attacked.”
While one ear was still listening to the annoyance of my boss (which, by the way, was totally justified in his world) the words just got out from the other. They no longer found a place anywhere in my consciousness. The adjectives used sounded more like data which never got processed. My need to defend myself was released almost instantaneously (much to my own surprise).
They simply meant nothing. As a matter of fact, there was a part of the mind which began making all the possible calculations. What’s the way out of this? What could be plan B? Is there a possibility of a plan C? What if no plans worked out?
The final answer that came was ‘something good will come out of this’. This was enough for me to have trust. We tried chalking out the possible options (which weren’t very well received) and that was it for the night.
Wondering where’s the dark chocolate shake in the entire ordeal? Read on.
As we hung up on each other, I asked myself, what can I do to love myself a tad bit more today? The voice said “cook!” I momentarily wondered if 10pm was too late for that. But I was determined to give myself this gesture before winding up for the day.
FYI, cooking is my fantasy career.
So I opened the deep freezer to find a scoop of French vanilla bean ice cream. And the mind simply whipped up a recipe, something I had never even thought of before. I ran to my room to draw out my slab of 72% dark chocolate bar and out came the blender and with the help of a few chunks of ice, I created the perfect (bitter sweet) dark chocolate milkshake.
While the blender was doing its job, I went back to that moment, the moment, where for the first time, in such an interaction, there was no hurt felt upon hearing the words said, no guilt, no mistakes and no blame game played. There was no reaction.
The focus shifted on what’s possible ‘now’? What led until then was already past, so what now?
It’s been a few days now and I keep going back to that moment (seems more addictive than the dark chocolate shake), a part of me still keeps being reminded of that moment of now, or rather what the ACIM says ‘the holy instant’.
It was a moment, where I didn’t even ‘make a choice between X and Y”. It was like the choice was already made for me rather than by me. Any guesses as to what happens the next day?
Well, things got sorted out and it was business as usual. The lesson that had to be learnt, was learnt, a system was placed such that this wouldn’t re occur again.
So, what actually happened?
No importance given to the past.
No dwelling in what ‘could’ have been.
No blaming others outside of me and hence not getting involved in the melodrama.
This, according to me, was the perfect example, as quoted in ACIM made easy of “using the ego as a masterful slave rather than ‘it’ using you like a lousy master”.
My lesson – giving no meaning, and hence no reality, to perceived “mistakes” gave a sneak peek into the world of possibilities rather than that door shutting behind you. No matter what happens, I can love myself. In fact, even more in such situations.
My suggestion to anyone reading this would be to keep giving yourself such gestures to let yourself know that nothing is bigger than you. Something tells me that salvation is here, now; in the ‘now’ moment.
Could this be what salvation feels like? Or is it something of a big deal being made up by me?
“In my defenselessness, my safety lies” – ACIM workbook